


Sausages

by TheBeautyOfTarth



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Brienne is too pure, Crack, Fun, Gen, food contest, sausage is just an euphemism for penis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 17:17:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10995399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBeautyOfTarth/pseuds/TheBeautyOfTarth
Summary: Jaime and Tormund argue about the best sausage.





	Sausages

**Author's Note:**

> I know nothing of sausages  
> i know nothing of barbecues  
> i know nothing of food description  
> i know nothing

Sausages 

  
Oberyn had invited all the gang to a barbecue at his brother's summer House for the weekend which was a relief after a hard week at work thought Brienne. Sansa, Margaery and she arrived at the same time as the boys. Sandor, Tormund, Jaime, Tyrion and his inseparable chauffeur slash wingman slash best friend, Bronn. Oberyn and Ellaria were already waiting for them on the porch, he was wearing an apron with ´kiss the cock’ and a big arrow pointing south printed on it. Which would scandalize Brienne if she didn’t know him better than that.

They promptly downloaded the ingredients for their lunch and settled them near the grill. While she was pouring some drinks for all Tormund came near to her “Hey lass, uh, nice to see ya ‘round here” he was blushing furiously, nearly matching the color of his beard, Brienne did not notice though “Hi Tormund! Yeah, I’m glad to see you too” she smiled at him.

He was so embarrassed to be talking to her that he started mumbling “I… uh, do- do you like meat Brienne?"

"Yeah, sure"

"You like sausages too?”

“uh, I guess so”

“Great! You'll love this then” he showed her a container full of uncooked sausages “They’re northern sausages. My family has won the local sausage fair at my town with this recipe since my grandpa was around. it's smoked pork with a little bit of spice on it”  
  
Jaime snorted, he had clearly heard their conversation "everybody knows Westerlands sausages are the best in Westeros if not the world. I know, since I happen to be shareholder in one of the brands that makes the best gourmet sausages. In fact, I brought a batch with me”

“you mean that fancy brand that fucks up the flavor of the meat with ‘fine herbs’ and goat cheese on them? you must know shit about sausages then”

“oh yeah? you wouldn’t know quality and tastiness even if I slapped your ugly face with my sausage, you wanker"

  
"Watch your mouth if you don't want to lose your teeth, prick"

“there they go again” said Sansa

“guys, stop it! Must you always fight like this? You sound like a pair of immature kids!” said a very frustrated Brienne

“He started!!” both shouted pointing at each other at the same time

“I’m willing to forgive you if you admit my sausage is better Lannister”

“Not a chance! I’d be glad to shove one of my sausages in your mouth to prove mine are better!”  
  
“There's only a way to know who is best. We'll cook each one a sausage and Brienne will choose the winner"  
  
" _what?!_ Why me?" said Brienne

“It’s settled then! Get ready to lose”  
  
"I want to join the contest too! I want to show Brienne how good my sausage is" Oberyn winked at the blonde woman, she did not notice though.  
  
"Stay away from this Oberyn or I’ll strangle you!" roared Jaime  
  
"Yeah, this is between the pretty boy and I" agreed the redhead   
  
"I wouldn't mind putting my sausage in her bun either, if you know what I mean" Bronn whispered to his friend  
  
"Don’t be so vulgar Bronn, show some respect for the lady. And if I were you I’d watch my mouth, specially near my dear brother"

  
"Ain't my fault he doesn't have the balls to tell her he wants to bang her since forever"

  
"Language, please. I do have to agree with you, though. Poor brother, he is helpless in matters of ladies"

....

After a while Brienne was seated in front of the grill, where Jaime and Tormund were cooking their sausages "I don't understand what's the big deal with sausages. I personally like steaks best"   
  
"Oh you know, some guys like to measure their masculinity by the size and uh, _quality_ of their sausages"  
  
"I've never heard of that before. Sounds stupid if you ask me” she snorted  
  
Tyrion sighed "My lady, you are indeed too pure for this world"   
  
“By the way, where is everyone?” she just noticed they were alone at the terrace  
  
“At the pool. They got tired of hearing the yells of those two” Tyrion stood from his seat “well, I better join them too. This is getting specially dull”  
  
"Wait! Don't leave me here alone" she pleaded  
  
"You kidding? And miss Ellaria, Sansa and Margaery wearing bikinis? Sorry Brienne, I appreciate you very much but you're alone on this" he rose and left.  
  
A few minutes -and an ample exchange of rude comments to one another- later, two sausages where put in front of Brienne. “Try mine first Wench. you will not want to try another after you give mine a taste. In fact, you will be pleading to eat more after this" Jaime assured her. Tormund pushed Jaime away "Fuck off Lannister. Try mine first Brienne, I made it thinking of you" he said embarrassed. Once again, she did not notice it.  
  
Tormund's sausage was fat, it was oily, a little bit shorter than Jaime's and had a funny smell on it while Jamie's had a good color and a better appearance, making it look more inviting. She did not have the heart to tell them she wasn’t even hungry.

“What’s wrong wench?”

“I don’t know where to start” she admitted

“Try mine, m’lady. You won’t regret it”

she was about to grab Tormund’s sausage when Jaime shouted

"Mine is tastier!"

  
"Mine is juicier!"

  
"Mine is bigger!"

  
"Mine is thicker!"

  
"Yeah? well, mine is trimmed"

  
_"What?"_  
"What?"  
"What?"  
  
End.

**Author's Note:**

> loooool, i really dont know why the hell i wrote this! must be you guys rubbing off on me.  
> (Jaime had clear this was more than sausages while Tormund wasn't )  
> if i were better at english i would probably put some puns in there but *shrug* close enough


End file.
